Vancouver Forum: morning humor

The Horth Whithperer



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.


His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'

'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or female horse.

'A female horth.'

So he shows him a prized filly.

'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.

'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.

'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse's mouth.

'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'

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A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and

Noticed he had his collar on backwards.

The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards...

The man, who was a priest, said "I am a Father."

The little boy replied "My Dad doesn't wear his collar like that."

The priest looked up from his book and answered "I am the Father

Of many."

The boy said "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and

He doesn't wear his collar that way."

The priest, getting impatient, said "I am the Father of hundreds"

And went back to reading his book.

The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over

And said,

"Maybe you should use a condom and wear your pants backwards

Instead of your collar.

hahahahahahahaha Watcher..... love the first one, heard the 2nd, laughed anyways

morning glasgo

morning Watcher... remember it used to be so funny here....?
At least you're still here to make me laugh Watcher :lol:
& now, I'm off to the shower......
have a lovely day

Noone liked my "she can go fu<k herself" joke....

perhaps, If it was told by someone else

Rich man and a poor man have the same wedding anniversary. They're both at Madison Avenue shopping for their wives. Poor man says to the Rich man, "What'd you get your wife this year?" He says, "A Mercedes and a huge diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why'd you get her both?" The Rich man says, "If she doesn't like the ring, she can take it back happy." The Poor man says, "O.K. That works." The Rich man says, "Well what did you get your wife?" The Poor man says, "A pair of slippers and a dildo." The Rich man says, "Why'd you get her a pair of slippers and a dildo?" The Poor man says, "If she doesn't like the slippers, she can go %$@#! herself!"

watcher, on Mar 6 2009, 08:59 AM, said:

Booooo on you watcher... you wanna be on "the list"?

the list? you have a list? a list of what?

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (i.e., a Newfoundlander) He went to the neurosurgeon and asked, "Is there anything you can do to me that would make me into a Newfie?".

"Sure it's easy." replied the neurosurgeon. "All I have to do is cut out 1/3 of your brain, and you'll be a Newfie."

The Ontarian was very pleased, and immediately underwent the operation. However, the neurosurgeon's knife slipped, and instead of cutting 1/3 of the patient's brain, the surgeon accidentally cut out 2/3 of the patient's brain. He was terribly remorseful, and waited impatiently beside the patient's bed as the patient recovered from the anaesthetic.

As soon as the patient was conscious, the neurosurgeon said to him "I'm terribly sorry, but there was a ghastly accident. Instead of cutting out 1/3 of your brain, I accidentally cut out 2/3 of your brain."

The patient replied "Qu'est-ce que vous avez dit, monsieur?"

watcher, on Mar 6 2009, 09:04 AM, said:

I wanted to say flame targets... but I was bluffing....

Here's another joke instead!


One day Little Susie got her "monthly bleeding" for the first time in her life. Having failed to understand what was going on and being really frightened, she decided to share her trouble with little Johnny. Having found Johnny she told and showed him what her problem was. Johnny's face grew serious and he said, "You know, I'm not a doctor, but it looks like someone just ripped your balls off!"

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived.

Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.

"Well," said the American, "I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven. St.Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth.

So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here."

"That's amazing!" said the one of the doctors, "But what happened to the other two?"

"Last I saw them," replied the American, "the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his."

Goat Boy©, on Mar 6 2009, 09:09 AM, said:

Hilarious

that was good!

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

"Put two fingers in...", she says.

So in goes another one.

She's really starting to get worked up when she says,

"Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!".

So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud

"Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in!

"Now clap your hands..." commands the girl.

"I can't", says the guy. The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

^ I've heard that one before ;)

Here is something for this morning.  A Boxing Kitty.  :lol:

haha Macy, funny funny cat.

morning macy and Glaswegian

Good Morning
the boxing kitty is too cute huh?

puttem up sounding like the lion on the wizard of ozzz puttem up

Cats can be weird..... I have a rather weird one myself. (cat that is) ;)

I never aquired another another cat after last years death of our kiki, but I do have a renewed hate for coyotes

watcher, on Jun 23 2009, 07:53 AM, said:

Awe sad Watcher..... I had a little dog that got eaten by a coyote too. It broke my heart.
But, really Coyotes are just doing what they do.
I've always loved North American wildlife... especially the predators.
When I had a barn, I lost a number of cats to coyotes... the cat I have now, I owned then too..... but she's much too
smart to get eaten.... and she's super aggressive when it suits her too.

A number of fishermen were at a bar in the uk after ttending a fishing conference , discussing how the fishing industry has been going over drinks , one of the fishermen was from the USA and all he could do was brag how great his boat was , how great his year had been etc etc to the point where he was monopolizing the discussions with all his bragging .

A Newfoundlander who had been listening, chimed in and said to the group , our Canadian boys can fish up and down the Canadian grand banks for codfish and can tell if they are catching, American Codfish from Canadian Codfish anytime !

The American takes up the challenge and asks "how can your Newfie fishermen tell the difference ???? !!! Thats BS !!!

The American fish have bigger mouths !!!!

Oh those cats.  Give them a wheel to spin... :lol:

Trained Kitty

Here is some cat antics this morning. 

Hey where is the Youtube function?

This function should include ALL video sites.

watcher, on 06 March 2009 - 08:46 AM, said:

Omg this was too funny :D
It isn't morning but I appreciate the laugh either way, thank you hun

A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him.

The son sees his mom and asks, 'What were you and Dad doing?'

The mother replies, 'Well, you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it and help flatten it..'

'Your wasting your time,' said the boy.

'Why is that?' the mom asked puzzled.

'Well when you go shopping, the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up.'

This post has been edited by Ryanissimo: 02 July 2009 - 08:41 PM

^lmao.. kids say the darndest things.

Ever feel like the week is catching-up to you on Friday? 

What is the difference between a scientist and a stripper?
-?
- A scientist shows what he knows and a stripper knows what she shows...


What is a difference between a duke and his butler?
-?
They both smoke the same Cuban cigars, drink the same expensive wines, sleep with the same woman, but only Duke pays the bills...


How does our friendly policeman open a can of sardines?
-?
- "RCMP! Open up!"


What is the difference between a lighter and female's breasts?
-?
Lighters were ment for adults, but children are the ones playing with them the most.
And breasts were ment for kids, but it is the adults that play with them the most.


Why fish do not speak?
-?
For their lips are filled with water.


Is it true that a human being can eat all the kinds of mushrooms?
- Yes, but some of them - just once...


What word includes all letters in the English language?
-?
- Alphabet.


Why most of detective stories are written by men?
-?
- For women tent to have problem with keeping the murderer's secret identity untill the end...


Who knows best what people are missing?
-?
- A thief...


What is it: blac-white-black-white-thump!
-?
- A nun falling down the stairs...


What does it mean when one finds 4 horseshoes?
-?
- That some horse runs barefoot...


Is it true that we evolved from monkeys?
- Take a look in the mirror...


Do you know the difference between a girl and the Transformers?
-?
- Then go back playing with your Transformers...


What is a transvestite's dream job?
- A priesthood


Why do we have 2 ears and only one mouth?
-?
- Nature's clue - so we would listen twice as much as we talk...


Why does the symbol of victory is always represented by a female?
-?
- Get married and you shall understand...


What one should do when a bird's sh1t falls upon his/her head?
-?
Kneel down and thank God that cows have no wings...

Cheers.

I just had to post this.